The Art of Euro Travel

You may not know me. But, I’m here. Beside you. On this airplane. And I just sneezed. And I don’t believe in the vampire sneeze. I believe in letting the germs from my body find freedom on your body.

And, while we are in this conversation. No, I don’t have a tissue. And, please don’t interrupt. I don’t care that you are traveling to a meeting in Tokyo and that you need to review statistics about the tiny part your company makes that every car needs. It’s a metal circle. Get over it. Listen to me. I am done sneezing. Oh wait.

Okay, now I am done sneezing. I always sneeze in threes.

I want to talk to you about the art of euro travel. Do you see my suitcase? It’s tiny, right? I’m headed to British Columbia for nine days and it’s a carry on, Janet! Yes, I was reading your e-mail and can see your name. So, listen, Jan, if you don’t mind me calling you a different name similar to your own, I used to travel with a lot of clothes because, as you can see, I am sure you noticed already, I have incredible style. Incredible!

Actually, let me just tweet that right now. Just the word “Incredible!” Let me continue to talk while I am using my phone so you have to still listen to me. Just going to be a minute. Oh someone posted a photo of their golden retriever carrying groceries to their house. That’s pretty funny. That dog is super cute. Janet. LISTEN TO ME. I am brilliant and you are lucky that you got seat 9B. You should be paying me for this talk. This is worth at least $27. You are telling me that if I stop talking you will give me $27. No can do, my friend. I’ve got business ethics and that just wouldn’t be a fair trade transaction.

Europeans travel very light. It’s a strength of theirs. Maybe it is because they are more socialist so if they need clothes they just ask someone for a piece of theirs. Like, oh shoot, I forgot a raincoat, can I borrow yours? Actually this is exactly what they do because this is what Vincent did to me this morning. I own two raincoats and I already gave him one and then he was like, “the shoulders are too tight. Can I borrow your other one?” My good one! The cool one!

These socialists are taking over. Maybe I should tweet that. No, it’s too loaded. I just need to look at dog videos. Let me just tweet “I THINK I AM RIGHT ABOUT THE SOCIALISTS.” Okay, Janet, almost done with my lecture–I mean friendly small talk. No, you cannot get out of the aisle to use the restroom. The light is lit up. But, don’t worry, I don’t have to sneeze again.

That’s basically it. That’s basically my point. So, I’m going to put on these earphones and sleep. Please don’t interrupt me. Don’t be one of those hot shots who just talks the whole time they are on an airplane. Okay? Merci beaucoup et j’adore ton robe avec les poulets. C’est tres cool.


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