Thank you, everyone. Please be seated.
The royal family has told me I have twenty minutes for this talk, but I’ll make it an hour and half speech as it’s nine p.m. on a Wednesday and I’m sure you won’t mind hanging tight in those extremely comfortable church pews you are sitting in.
Alors. The royal family. I’ll take this time to predict some questions from the scheduled half an hour Q & A session after my talk.
First predicted question: What royal family?
Answer: The royal family of France.
Second predicted question: Quoi le canard? You mean the Macrons?
Answer: Ha! Nice try, mon petit Mimolette. No.
Third predicted question: Who then?
Answer: Aha! Question to the audience! Why do I have a yellow stain on my white blouse?
Audience Answer: Moutard. C’est tres evident.
Answer by speaker (me): Okay, yes. That was too easy. I underestimated my demographic. Noted.
Fourth predicted question: What royal family invited you to this tiny church in Bordeaux? And what is your speech about? Because on the program it says “Exploring Leadership Identity.” We have no idea what this means.
Answer by 4 people in the audience: Merde. We’re at the totally wrong event. We meant to attend a Vivaldi concert. Where is that?
Answer by speaker (me): I wanted to go to that too. It’s down the street, a gauche. It’s the “better” church. No offense priests of this church.
Answer by priests of this church: Oh non, non, pas de tout! Je suis d’accord. C’est une meilleur eglise, mais cette eglis est l’eglise de mon pere.
Question by speaker (me): Oh cool. This is a pretty good church. However, I would recommend locking the doors better because a lot of the audience is leaving.
((Shutting of door)) ((Locking noises)) ((Complete frightened silence.)) ((Awkward clearing of throats)) (More clearing of throat by one man in particular*)) *he does seem strangely comfortable and also extremely phlegm filled.
Question to the phlegm filled man: Did you just drink like a gallon of cream?
PFM: Ah oui. Bien sur!
Out loud Realization by Speaker: Okay, that explains a lot of things about you.
So, guys let’s get to the point. I will now begin my speech on leadership identity:
Good evening everyone! As you may have guessed, by my wolf sweatshirt, I’m an American animal biologist. You can tell I’m a pretty serious biologist by how I specify that I’m an animal biologist.
So, here’s the deal. There isn’t a royal family of France. And there isn’t a royal family of America. But there is one of England. And they are pretty impressive. I’ve spent many minutes researching them on a PBS documentary entitled “The Windsors: A Royal Family” and was completely confirmed in all my inherit beliefs that they work much much harder than many other “democratically” appointed government officials in countries that are the United States of America.
So, I’m here to suggest that we, America, well, we should just get Prince Charles. We are owed this. Seriously. Come on, England. He should get the title “acting decision maker of all national decisions.” The only requirement for this position should be 1. the person attended the University of Cambridge and 2. the person can read a pretty long book.
You, France, you lucky bastards, you got Macron, but now I think you guys should create a royal family. Don’t think Marie Antoinette. Think like Melanie Laurent and her film, Demain. You brand your royalty something catchy like, “Eco-Royalty.” Maybe give Gad Elmalh a His Royal Majesty honorific, and then tell him his job is to give informational talks in the form of stand up comedy on climate change. Tell him, “Just be yourself. Be incredibly hopeful but also convincing. Be French and darkly truthful but also funny. Go.” And then everyone in the world will be like wow, HRH Gad makes me feel energetic and inspired enough to sell my oil reliant car! And then give HRH Melanie Laurent complete creative freedom. She will probably continue to make super beautiful films with smart ideas and then things all over would change. America, we make our current American royalty, Leonardo DiCaprio, real American royalty and give him more power so he can get us back in the Paris Accord. Or maybe we’re back in that. I don’t know. Figuring that out and sending me an e-mail with that information could be his first job.
Then, we all kind of just put posters of Angela Merkel on our inspire boards and then like ask HRH Leonardo DiCaprio to quickly figure out how to make America’s food exactly like France’s food (specifically the yogurt). We throw all white sugar into the Charles River and then sit back and watch French farmers trying to find love.
I have A LOT more ideas but you guys spent a lot of time on that predicted question and answer period, not to blame you, but you kind of wasted that part and now my watch says 11:30pm. So, maybe I’ll end it here.
Oh and yes, madame, the talk fee of $25 did mention a free gift. Well here it is: cough drops for everyone! Riii co llla!